Being crazy is a sad affair. It's exhausting being irrational ALL THE TIME. But I must. I have no choice.
Today has been a freaking wonderful day. Chicago finally decided it's summer and is spitting out some decently hot weather. It's the type of day where I'd crack a cold beer on the porch were I not knocked up via petri dish emulsion fluid. No complaints, just saying. I'm very happy with my flavored sparkling water. We had our 7w3d ultrasound this afternoon and for the first time ever, our Dr. M proclaimed our rapidly growing blob "perfect." I haven't heard the word perfect once in this whole infertility rigamaroll. It was pretty dreamy. J and I left the clinic grinning like idiots. We know we're not out of the woods yet but damn it feels good to be a gangsta. Mixed metaphors just feel right today. While waiting for the elevator at the hospital (OB-GYN and Reproductive Endocrinology are on the same floor because they're super sensitive and awesome like that), J complemented a woman on her choice in strollers. Now, that's a completely bizarre thing for a man to do. But it's very J - he's an oddly observant and aesthetically inclined individual - and it warmed my heart. Our ultrasound today allowed us to think beyond the next week or so.
Here's where the crazy comes in. (Cuz it always does.) I'm texting Maggie about random nonsense and she tells me that one of her friends is pregnant. I know this friend, though not well, and would typically wish her no ill will. But my immediate knee jerk reaction? Bitch. I haven't had much practice as a pregnant woman and certainly almost none as a calm-not-worried pregnant woman but I have had years of practice as an infertile woman. And she came raging out. Why am I still annoyed that people can get pregnant by having sex? I don't know, but I am. I'm still in the only-infertiles-and-my-bestest-friends-are-allowed-to-get-pregnant stage. How long does that stage last? Possibly forever? More so than nausea, lingering malice towards the fertile is my least favorite pregnancy symptom.
Ha, I thought the same thing upon hearing about pregnancies, even while pregnant. Does it ever go away? Maybe it doesn't.
ReplyDeleteGreat news on the ultrasound, girly! So damn happy for you.
A friend of mine, aforementioned RPL thriver, is 17 weeks pregnant. I told her my feelings about the announcement and she said she STILL feels the same. She said (and I feel word-for-word exactly the same) that those pregnancies are "more real" than hers. We are a slightly damaged bunch. My mom aptly related it to PTSD.
DeleteI hate hate hate that that is my first thought about pregnancies, too. Like...how dare they not take ME into account first off? Obviously the world is full of heartless people. Woe is me. But anyways. Congrats on a great ultrasound!!! And that's super uncool to have an OBGYN and RE on the same floor. I'd have to change REs just for that move. Like I don't have to see enough pregnant women already IN the REs room..but at least I can tell myself that THEY all at least had to pay a lot for their fat bellies and they probably had to wait a long time and they mostly deserve their babies. People at the OBGYN probably got knocked up at the prom while wearing 3 condoms. So obviously I hate them.
ReplyDeleteWhy are there obviously pregnant women in your RE's clinic? They kick you out after 10 weeks and you should be wearing a burka and act as though you're in hiding from kidnappers during this time. I know I am.
DeleteI too "hate hate hate" having my first thought about pregnancies be spiteful. I pride myself on being a genuinely kind and polite person (Midwesterner through and through) and it feels so NOT ME to react like that.
I have the same reactions (involuntarily, I swear!) and I'm 15 weeks pregnant. I'm assuming it will slowly fade during the pregnancy and disappear after the birth of my baby? Wishful thinking, probably.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your scan went well. My RE's office is not on the same floor as OB, BUT the OB dept is right in the front of the hospital, while the RE's office is tucked in the back corner. Seems appropriate, I guess.
umm, yes. i still do this, too. i wonder if it will ever go away or if we're always going to be bitter towards bumps. i'm glad your blob is perfect. hopefully (if you get one weekly) you are coming out of another glowing ultrasound you are about to share with us and experiencing your brief high.
ReplyDeleteexcited to have another equally damaged (no offense) IF-grad alongside of me for this process!