Friday, November 8, 2013

17w6d - The Mother of Invention

Necessity is the mother of invention. Some genius said that. Ah yes, wikipedia says it was Plato.

I have an invention that is not really an invention that could revolutionize maternity pants. You see, those vaguely elastic panels don’t actually hold anything up, they just cover and smooth the belly. I’d say they do about 3-5% of the pants-holding-up responsibilities necessary. Your own hips and ass are responsible for the rest. Also problematic is the fact that the waist of the pants must be large enough to fit over your ass and thighs therefor, on most women, being slightly larger than that small but crucial stretch between bump and the spread of your hips.
Fact: this not-actually-pregnant model hiked her designer maternity jeans up between every frame.
Depending on the stretch of the material and your girth, the panel + gravity combo is often not enough. Leggings are a rare exception. I find myself scotching up my pants 7 times a day. And that’s just because I don’t care about the other 28 times when I need to. At first I thought under-the-shirt suspenders were an option but then considered my lopping mammaries. Then I remembered those adjustable tabs that were on hideous carpenter pants. You can adjust them to be tighter and cinch in your pants at the waist. In my perfect world, three maternity pant tabs would be placed on the pants - one at each hip and one at the back (located your tramp stamp). These tabs could be adjusted throughout the day as necessary to accommodate meals, gas, etc. What do you think? Genius! Now someone should manufacture them for me. I can't really sew and do not own a sewing machine. Also not in the market for one. Thanks for the offer.


I figure my options to solve the problem of ever sagging pants are as follows:
  1. I actually figure out where to get real pants tabs and sew them on by hand. I'm exhausted just thinking about this but it might be the only way. 
    Don't solve the problem. There's nothing wrong with low-riding the crotch of your pants at mid-thigh. (To answer your question, yes, I am wearing the correct size pants.)
  3. Use giant diaper pins to cinch the small amount of fabric that needs cinching. Do they even sell these now? Will I get stabbed twice a day? (This was my supervisor's suggestion. He has been dragged into the issue against his will. I feel he has an inherent interest in my pants staying on at the office.)
  4. Suspenders. See boob issue and general fashion concerns.
  5. Dapper Snappers. These are super awkward, bulky and of questionable value. I would squeal with delight if any of you have actually used these. Clips are available for pants without belt loops (98% of maternity pants).

What is the solution to this? Why is this a problem that we as a society have not addressed? Can I just wear maternity overalls and is that a thing?



  1. I think you need to get a different brand of maternity pants. I only have one pair of maternity pants that I need to hike up...otherwise, everything else stays up. Maybe it's just the brand?

    1. Oh, I wish. I've got Gap, Motherhood Maternity, and some bougie brand from Pea in the Pod. I think the common denominator is my body.

  2. I found that using one of those BellaBand things on top of the panel gave enough tightness to keep the pants up.

  3. Do you tuck anything into your maternity pants? Because the panels make my belly itchy, I wear a thin tank underneath every day, and tuck it into my pants. I think that makes them more secure. I have to hike up anything that isn't a full panel though. Including leggings.

    1. Layering. This is potentially genius a la Plato. I'm going to try it.

    2. You, madame, win the prize. While not a sure fire solution, my pants are far more buoyant with a tank tucked in. Yahtzee.