I have so much more in common with Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise than I ever thought possible. Similarity #1, while not a Scientologist, I am pregnant with the aid of men in white coats and without procreative intercourse. Similarity #2, I now own specialized medical equipment meant for use in a hospital setting by trained professionals. Purpose of said equipment is to spy on the Newbie during the only time in his/her life that he/she gets to be alone and chill. Not so alone anymore, kid! Enter stage right, FETAL DOPPLER. Boom.
Listen, I was feeling all smug and secure on Saturday, marveling at the awkward fit of my clothing and the gigundity of my boobs in my new orthopedic brazier. "Doppler, who needs it?" I thought. Then I went to this event attended by my friend and his wife, who last year tragically miscarried at 13 weeks. Smugness out the fucking door. Sunday I felt so sad and shaky. "If it happened to her..." echoed in my head. I reached out to Mel, who's general job it is to back me off the ledge, and she offered up her fetal doppler. Yes please with a side of Quaaludes. While I waited zillions of hours for her to get home for the doppler hand off, I ate copious amounts of pho, watched Downton Abbey and repeated, "I am not her. I am not her. I am not her." It mostly worked. I came this close to getting in an accident on the way to her house. That would have been really counterproductive. Calm. Down.
Once home with the magic wand <insert filthy jokes here>, I watched possibly the longest youtube video known to mankind on how exactly to find your fetus' heartbeat. Upon completion, I ran into the bedroom, lied down and squirted aloe vera gel on my lower abdomen. Within a minute, I heard a nice fast whomp whomp whomp whomp whomp. Then I would lose it and, after more probing around, I'd find it again. Naturally I recorded it for posterity.
The doppler has provided some much needed reassurance in the past 18 hours. I'm going to try not to use it every day (good luck, nutbag). I'd like to reserve its use for the bad days like yesterday where I'm filled with doom and gloom. I know that there may be times where I can't find the heartbeat (this morning I found it quickly and then it totally disappeared) and I'll probably freak out. I'll deal with that then in smearing, frantic language all over this blog. I am, by the way, a huge hypocrite because I responded to another blogger's post about dopplers somewhat negatively. Not that I have ever been anti-doppler, I just wrote that I wouldn't buy one because I wouldn't want to risk not hearing the HB and having that inevitable nervous breakdown. Well, I am a liar. Most people know that already. It's just been reconfirmed.
Stay tuned for the post where my doppler batteries die and I flip my shit!