Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Feelings, You are Difficult.

I am just a mishmosh of elated positivity and nerves / general resentment. Feelings, as I state in my post title, are difficult. Would you agree? Perhaps "complicated" is a better word. I am 11 weeks 3 days which, if you do the math, is startlingly close to 12 weeks. Closing in on the first trimester. I hate the trimester bullies who say that 13 weeks is the trimester end mark or worse, the end of week 13 really meaning 14 interminable weeks. Do they haphazardly lengthen the swimming portion of the Ironman just for good measure? No, they do not. It's long enough and you still have to ride a bike and run a marathon. Peeps need to keep my trimester an even 12 weeks.

So in the feelings news, I am mostly really happy. My nearest and dearest know for the most part and I've been able to quietly celebrate with them, if only by acknowledging that this pregnancy is happening and progressing nicely thus far. My in-laws came into town last weekend. On Friday, they took us to a fancy shmancy dinner.  When ordering, I asked the waiter if a salad dressing was made with raw egg. He said it was. I replied, "Oh, I can't eat that. I'm pregnant." I could have just said "no thank you" but I wanted to see how telling a stranger would feel. Good, uneventful. As though pregnancy were normal. After our entrees, our waiter presented me with a brownie sundae with a candle as "congratulations from the restaurant." What?!?! Who does that? Seriously, have you heard of such a thing? Because I'm me, I nearly cried. Before we left, I wrote a quick note to the waiter telling him how much it meant to me and slipped it in with the bill. Clearly I wildly over-shared and probably frightened him. So we can never go back to that restaurant. Not a big deal since we can't afford it ourselves anyways. I told friends about this incident and they likened it to the happy birthday clapping dance they do at TGI Friday's, Bennigan's and other such establishments on birthdays. Clapping dance for pregnancy! Nothing says first trimester down low like a blazing candle.
 
That's the good. I'm getting more excited, slowly a little less scared. I do, however, have to use my doppler as soon as I get home after telling someone I'm pregnant to see if I've jinxed my fetus. Lunacy. Straight jacket level insanity. A pattern is developing where I tell someone and then the heart continues to beat. I'm working on several graphs and colorful charts to depict the correlation as it emerges.

Now the difficult. I'm getting near the point where a normal prego would start telling those not immediately in her inner circle. Like, for example, boss and coworkers. Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that. My boss is a mother of 3. She gets it. My HR person was very rah-rah when I had to take time off for transfers and such. I figure I'll tell them somewhere around 13-15 weeks. Seems reasonable. What I am positively dreading is telling the rest of my family. My mom, dad, sister and brother-in-law know. That's it. My grandma will be elated. That, I can handle. My benevolent aunt will be too and while I am dreading the actual phone call for no real reason, she'll be wonderful and excited. I am dreading calling my other aunt, who is also benevolent but has been just a bumbling ball of awkward and wrong throughout this ordeal. I realize some people revel in the glorious experience of spilling the beans. Not it. Miscarriage and IF has made me feel very protective of this pregnancy like, if you weren't my biggest fan throughout this ordeal, you don't get to celebrate. I give a pass to people who weren't aware. You, dear readers, get to celebrate with me. You've read some seriously depressing posts and probably need something uplifting after all that doom and gloom.

So, the Other Aunt. Other Aunt's daughter is pregnant and due in November. Whenever Other Aunt would ask my mom how I was doing (she was aware of our rounds of IVF and the m/c), she would wave away whatever my mom would say and reply, "Oh, it'll happen when she least expects it." Madam, we're beyond that. We're now in the realm of what is and is not medically possible. The fact that I was injecting myself in order to ovulate at the optimal time kinda takes out the "when she least expects it" aspect. That's normal, people just don't know what to say. But then the kicker. I wasn't excited to call and tell her and now, I'm really not feeling like sharing MY news. (cray cray) My sister revealed this story to me this past weekend. Thank God she didn't tell me shortly after the fact because I would have gone completely homicidal. When my sister called Other Aunt to tell her that she was pregnant, she was congratulatory and then asked how I had taken the news. My sister responded, "She's ok. It was hard but she's doing fine." (Wildly untrue but acceptable for the sake of the conversation.) Other Aunt's response I-SHIT-YOU-NOT: "Oh well. Amy will have a baby... someday ... somehow ... with someone." With someone? Due to the difficulties, should I have selected another partner? This is neither here nor there and certainly doesn't matter but were it not for me, and were he a different type of guy, J would be knocking random ladies up left and right and our city's most dubious bars. Ugh. So that's where these uncomfortable, difficult feelings rise up. It's my happy news. It's my kid and you didn't help make it with your absurd platitudes and offensive remarks. I want to announce only to "my team" and complete strangers like that kind waiter at the fancy restaurant. I am aware that my conclusion is not the product of a coherent thought process.

And, scene. Enough. I'll deal with that soon enough. My annoyance with her poisons the joy that I am and should be feeling right now. I will close with this: This whole experience has made me so appreciative of my team - J, my parents, my best friends, my blog friends - those who cheered me on no matter how unpleasant the situation. Whether dealing with IF or not, I hope you have a wonderful team like I have. Thanks, Team.


15 comments:

  1. Yay for almost 12 weeks! I got annoyed that my dr wouldn't move the second trimester up too. :-)

    Why not have your parents tell other aunt the news? If you don't want to deal with her, have someone else do it! :-)

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  2. I vote for having someone else tell her. My sister and her husband have caused a lot of drama in my life, so to protect my unborn fetus from unnecessary stress and drama, I have elected to not tell her. If she finds out some other way good for her, she can get a birth announcement and that's as much of an effort as I am going to make. I told my parents if they want to tell her, they can go ahead, but I don't want to hear about it. Good luck! Family can definitely be tricky!

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  3. She sounds like a complete nightmare! I agree with the other two ladies here... have someone else tell her. It's just going to stress you out, and you don't need that. After everything you've been through, you deserve to feel totally happy right now, and you don't want to her to make another comment that's ridiculous and degrading. Congrats on getting to almost 12 weeks! Very exciting. I hope I will be joining you there in 6 (hopefully short) weeks!

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  4. You guys are awesome. I thought people would tell me to buck up and get it over with. My mom has already offered to deliver the news and, with your blessing, I'm taking her up on it.

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  5. Arrrrggghhhh!!! That aunt sounds terrrrible. I agree with the other ladies- let someone else tell her. How obnoxious. You don't need that negativity spoiling your mood. Love that waiter, though!! That's the kind of person you need to keep sharing the news with!! :)

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  6. Yay for almost 12 weeks!! I am so glad to hear you are feeling less stressed. Your posts always crack me up - "Nothing says first trimester down low like a blazing candle." hahaha

    I am so happy for you :)

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    1. And I am so excited for you! I get so jazzed when I read your posts. Come on, Kenya!

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  7. I completely understand where you're coming from! The people who haven't stood by you & supported you through this don't exactly deserve to revel in your happiness. I am so glad you have such a good team around you.

    I am new to this game- TTC for 18 months now, just going to an RE for first appt next month. My friends have been my support system & finding this blogging community but we still haven't told our parents. Any advice on this? My mom is the mom who pushed me to get pregnant before we were even married because she is that ready to be a grandma hence my hesitance.

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    1. Congrats on going to your first RE appointment! I mean, I'm sorry you're down this road at all but doesn't it feel good to know you're DOING something about it? I definitely felt that way.
      As for your mom, that's tough. My father-in-law also thought we should have had babies decades ago but I let my husband clue him in. I would recommend telling her directly, but not making an event out of it, and letting her know that you will give her updates when there is information you're ready to share.
      Good luck and keep me posted!

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  8. With someone! Oh, I LOL'ed at that one. That is truly awful.

    Totally natural to feel protective over the pregnancy and reluctant to share. And none of them will ever "get" it, that's true. But they can be happy for you in other ways.

    Weird about the cake, but cute! I know what you mean about telling strangers. It's easier. Because if you never see them again, who really cares? It's safe.

    I know you tell these stories to illustrate your obsesion, but can I just say you've totally inspired me to get a doppler when/if the time comes? Heartbeats on demand. I will be following in your crazy footsteps on that. (And as always, I say that with nothing but love. We are justifiably crazy, I think).

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    1. I illustrate my obsession and I offer up my neurosis for those to benefit from them. I'm a huge fan of the doppler. I'm sure I'll have a no-HB-freakout at some point but I can't imagine I'll ever regret buying it because it has brought me so much piece of mind. It's a handy little tool for people like us. J has decided he wants a $30,000 ultrasound machine. I (reluctantly, and only due to lack of funds) draw the line there.

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  9. Happy to be on your team, today and always! I support the idea of having your mom tell nasty aunt. :-) Only four days to go till end of 1st Tri! Yay!

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  10. I agree with everyone who says have your mom tell your aunt. I would totally do that.
    Congrats on reaching the second trimester! No one seems to agree on when it starts.
    And the doppler... I do the opposite. I have to use it the night before I tell anyone new just to make sure I'm still pregnant (meeting friends who don't know? Use the doppler. Telling boss? Use the doppler). I try to limit my use of it though.
    Good luck spreading the news. It's stressful and happy all at the same time.

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    1. The doppler is key, whether used as a preventative or reparative manner. I'm sort of thrilled that you use it similarly to me.

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  11. love the way you write. also, it's totally 12 weeks. anyone who says otherwise is either delusional or has never been a hormonal-must-make-it-to-the-second-trimester! pregnant lady. 12 weeks. obviously. (also, I agree with the smarter-than-me previous posters that you should have someone else tell this other aunt - why put yourself through that?)

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