As for the overwhelming negativity displayed in last week's posts, I feel like I really didn't have much of a choice. That damn PIO-allergic reaction left me crippled and in excruciating pain for a week. It was just too hard to be Suzie Sunshine after that. The failure of the embryos still living in the lab to progress was just another unnecessary kick in the crotch. The fate of "lil' ocho cellito," as my friend has christened the kick ass embryo hopefully dividing and burrowing as we speak, has been hard to focus on what with all the tearful navel/uterus-gazing I had to do. Enough with that. Not enough with being sad, I'm still definitely working on that that one, but enough with feeling so damn sorry for myself. I realized this after relaying my story via email to another newbie infertile. In her response, she - intentionally or otherwise - expressed her abject horror in my sob story, most likely terrified that she too would lose use of her legs to a dramatic progesterone accident. Feeling sorry for yourself is one thing. Having other people pity you... that sucks. I realize that I created this monster. The more I bitch and moan about what is happening and what
might happen (mind you, I don't go in for my beta test until Friday), the more I invite people to tilt their heads and say, "you poooooooor thing!" Ugh, done with it.
Game plan through Friday (and beyond):
- I will wallow for no more than 15 minutes each evening. Then I have to go walk the dogs or do something other than sit on the couch and audibly sigh.
- I will vent on this blog in a productive manner. I so rely on this outlet and am strangely comforted by the fact that half of those reading have been through the same exact crap. Your love and comments speak volumes and help to get me through all this. If I were in it alone, there wouldn't be an entire corner of the blogosphere carved out for us whiny barrenesses.
- I will not rely on takeout for dinner (see #1 - grocery shopping and cooking is impossible if you are constantly wallowing).
- I will accomplish things related to my actual job which, surprisingly enough, is not getting pregnant.
- I will think about positive things happening in my life now and in the future. Hell, I might even make a list.
- I will make a valiant effort to finish the this sweater I've been knitting on and off for months now. Idle hands and whatnot.
The pity party is
OUT. (Mike dropped, walking off stage.)
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