Today I feel...

Tired. Nervous. 50% Optimistic, 50% Pessimistic. Ready to get this show on the road.

Tomorrow is retrieval day. My in-laws are randomly going to be in town for the big day (cue mixed feelings) and I look forward to being high as a kite on sedatives around them. It's second best to the bottle of wine I wish I could consume. As I inch ever closer to the big events (retrieval, fertilization report, transfer, beta-terror), I'm feeling less cool about things. Not quite the paragon of up-beat serenity I have been for the past week and a half. Reasons vary:

1. This is a big deal and the stakes feel much higher. If this round doesn't work, I'm half way through the 4 rounds of IVF allotted by my insurance. (I know I'm incredibly lucky to have insurance cover this at all. Illinois is wonderful in that regard.)
2. My follicle count leaves a little to be desired.

Last time, I had 12 follicles counted on my last ultrasound and 11 eggs retrieved. As of yesterday morning, I have a total of 8 follicles, 4 of which were mature (>16mm), 2 at 13mm and 2 at 12mm. Hopefully a few of the stragglers will leap over the 16mm mark.  4 mature eggs ain't great. Not for a 31-year-old. I knew that I went with the Ganirelix protocol, that I may have fewer eggs but potentially higher quality. At this point, all I know is that there are fewer. So that panned out. The quality remains a big question mark. I am not enjoying said question mark. But, not much I can do about it.

Last night I struggled to stay awake to take my HCG trigger at the appointed time (9:45 feels like midnight these days). Today I will have a blissful nap at my acupuncture clinic followed by a delicious dinner with the J and the in-laws. And tomorrow, I get high and they grab my eggs. Deep breaths, let's get through the antsy part.