First, I would like to announce that I did not meltdown on the car ride back from my grandma's 90th birthday. In the car on the way there, I said there was an 87% chance I'd have a meltdown and J said he thought it was 100% for sure. Well, looks like I'm 13% correct. Boo-yah. That being said, I can't gloat too much because I chose instead to cry off my makeup on the way to the party instead (bets were made after I stopped crying and reapplied mascara). I guess I was all dried out at that point.
The celebration was completely survivable as I've learned most things are. My cousin, a serious triathlete, looks completely adorable at 5-6 months pregnant as she has absolutely no body fat and carries her fetus outside of her body, covered by a thin layer of skin and muscle. She is having a boy. That elicits no response emotional response from me as I figured it was one or the other. No word yet on what my sister is having. That will bring up some *feelings* because, if it's a girl, I'll feel like she stole my girl. Insane, I know. I have always wanted a girl (though quite honestly would be thrilled to be pregnant with a mammal of any gender at this point) and she has always wanted boys. Ipso facto, if she is carrying a girl she will have effectively stolen it from me. I am completely aware that that statement in itself warrants a straight jacket and a visit from some nice men in white coats. Self-awareness is at least half the battle. We used to joke that if she had girls and I had boys, we would trade. Now I feel like she might not follow through on said promise. It would solve a lot of issues though...
Moving beyond that rant, while the afternoon started a little awkward turtle, it ended up fine. These fertiles are my family, I love them, and I can deal when forced to do so.
On to happier things. IVF #2 - It feels so damn good to be back in the saddle again. Of course I wish that I didn't have such a crippled horse to ride but my horse is my horse. This cycle is markedly different than the first. I am just so. much. calmer. I feel like a normal (bloated) person this time around. Yes, I shoot up twice a day and have done so in the comfort of my filthy, dog-hair-covered car and my friend's kitchen, but I really feel like I'm going on with normal life. I've been more lax about my so-called "fertility diet," allowing myself to enjoy gluten a little more regularly and small amounts of dairy like a normal human being. Last cycle, I listened to Circle + Bloom relaxation/imagery recordings every night to fall asleep. I imagined follicles growing and humming with life. I relied on those recordings to get to sleep and to stop feeling like a nervous wreck.This cycle, before bed I read whatever is loaded on my kindle and fall dead asleep. Pretty much like every other night. It's kind of a dream. Obviously I'm still nervous about the outcome. I'm not that calm. I'm normal. Surprisingly normal for day 7 of stims. Let's just see how we do come retrieval-transfer, shall we?
Yay for not melting down! Every little accomplishment, right?
ReplyDeleteI love that feeling of being back in the saddle, it does have a calming affect, doesn't it? I think we spend so much time trying to be active rather than passive because otherwise it feels like giving up. Good luck and hoping that you keep your sanity right on through to the retrieval and transfer craziness.