First, I would like to announce that I did not meltdown on the car ride back from my grandma's 90th birthday. In the car on the way there, I said there was an 87% chance I'd have a meltdown and J said he thought it was 100% for sure. Well, looks like I'm 13% correct. Boo-yah. That being said, I can't gloat too much because I chose instead to cry off my makeup on the way to the party instead (bets were made after I stopped crying and reapplied mascara). I guess I was all dried out at that point.
The celebration was completely survivable as I've learned most things are. My cousin, a serious triathlete, looks completely adorable at 5-6 months pregnant as she has absolutely no body fat and carries her fetus outside of her body, covered by a thin layer of skin and muscle. She is having a boy. That elicits no response emotional response from me as I figured it was one or the other. No word yet on what my sister is having. That will bring up some *feelings* because, if it's a girl, I'll feel like she stole my girl. Insane, I know. I have always wanted a girl (though quite honestly would be thrilled to be pregnant with a mammal of any gender at this point) and she has always wanted boys. Ipso facto, if she is carrying a girl she will have effectively stolen it from me. I am completely aware that that statement in itself warrants a straight jacket and a visit from some nice men in white coats. Self-awareness is at least half the battle. We used to joke that if she had girls and I had boys, we would trade. Now I feel like she might not follow through on said promise. It would solve a lot of issues though...
Moving beyond that rant, while the afternoon started a little awkward turtle, it ended up fine. These fertiles are my family, I love them, and I can deal when forced to do so.
On to happier things. IVF #2 - It feels so damn good to be back in the saddle again. Of course I wish that I didn't have such a crippled horse to ride but my horse is my horse. This cycle is markedly different than the first. I am just so. much. calmer. I feel like a normal (bloated) person this time around. Yes, I shoot up twice a day and have done so in the comfort of my filthy, dog-hair-covered car and my friend's kitchen, but I really feel like I'm going on with normal life. I've been more lax about my so-called "fertility diet," allowing myself to enjoy gluten a little more regularly and small amounts of dairy like a normal human being. Last cycle, I listened to Circle + Bloom relaxation/imagery recordings every night to fall asleep. I imagined follicles growing and humming with life. I relied on those recordings to get to sleep and to stop feeling like a nervous wreck.This cycle, before bed I read whatever is loaded on my kindle and fall dead asleep. Pretty much like every other night. It's kind of a dream. Obviously I'm still nervous about the outcome. I'm not that calm. I'm normal. Surprisingly normal for day 7 of stims. Let's just see how we do come retrieval-transfer, shall we?