Tuesday, March 26, 2013

In between, almost there - 6dp3dt

This is such an odd, in between kind of time. I'm so close to the official end of this cycle and so far from where I started, popping birth control pills in February. And yet Saturday, the big blood draw, seems quite distant. I am alternately sure that I'm not pregnant, 10 minutes later thinking that maybe there's a chance, and later that day feeling very positive. I can't stay negative, I'm not letting myself. Notice I don't say that I feel sure I AM pregnant. I don't know how to feel that after 15 months of negative pregnancy tests. Uncertainty is positivity to me. "Maybe" is a very happy place.

My symptoms are nil. No waves of nausea, boobs are no more sore than normal on progesterone, no particularly interesting twinges or cramping. Nothing significant. I want projectile vomit and boobs on fire. I want something dramatic and sure. Like the results of a blood test. Saturday. Breathe, wait.

I think I will feel relief either way the test goes. I will be really sad and frustrated if it's negative. I plan for a Starbucks and a bottle of wine in that case. And I'll be thrilled and mostly shocked if it's positive. Either way I can stop holding my breath for this cycle and move onto the next challenge, whichever it may be.

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