Monday, October 28, 2013

16w2d - How I Became a Member of the Pen15 Club

Um, you guys? There is totally a penis growing inside of me. A mini penis with mini testicles attached to possibly the cutest little boy fetus that you have ever seen. I kvell, swoon, melt when I look at the ultrasound pictures from this weekend. A little boy. He is real and not a figment of my imagination.

Am I glad I went to a creepy Sneak-A-Boo elective ultrasound shack? You bet your tiny balls I am! I need to break down the experience for those of you considering a trip to the local strip mall and/or currently tssking and eye-rolling. First off, as I said before, mine was not in the mall. It was located in a very nice brick office building in a lovely, leafy neighborhood in Chicago. We signed in, presented our last ultrasound pictures (wisely, they make you prove that you are getting actual prenatal care and not using them as a filler for actual medical expertise), and were quickly called into the ultrasound room. It was giant, dimly lit, and had a big flat screen television on the wall. The examination bed looked like it had been custom made to accommodate a 600-pound man. Cooooozy. I laid down, scooched my pants down to the pubic bone and accepted an unnecessarily large blob of ultrasound gel. J sat next to me and held my hand. The sonographer found our guy - at that time an "it" - right away and swiveled the probe around to get the infamous "toilet shot." Clear as day were two legs, a tiny butt, and something dangling in between. The sonographer said, "There it is," and J was like, "What? Do you know? What is it?" Someone obviously hasn't been studying google images of gender ultrasounds apparently.  Good thing the sonographer and I were all over it. Then she typed it out "It's a boy!" on the screen. This is the point at which I started crying. It just all of a sudden became so so real. We got to see more views of him including in 3-D which is a total freak show affair and not overly adorable. They don't begin building fat until 26 weeks so the 3-D images make your cute 2-D black and white baby look like an animated skeleton. Appropriate for Halloween. My unsolicited advice is to stick to 2-D early on or at least not despair that your child is a monster based on a single ultrasound image.

J and I left the ultrasound palace grinning and kind of skipping. We were giddy motherfuckers. When I walked in, I felt like I had a "condition" with a questionable prognosis. When I left, we were the parents of a growing little boy. I would have paid a million dollars for that feeling (or a similarly feasible sum) but I only had to pay $45. At my insistence, we drove directly to Buy Buy Baby (which, as the name suggests, is a total commercial horror show) and each picked out a vaguely boyish onesie. J detested the big box store experience but I loved buying something for a real person.

I feel I should briefly address the gender question. Like, feeeeeeeeelings. So, I have written before and would have told you candidly at any point in my life that I wanted a girl. And I still do. One day, I would love a daughter. That said, it was really difficult to get one kid of either gender on board and honestly, I don't know that it will happen again. Having a daughter very well may be something that doesn't happen for me. It makes me a little sad but I have so much more happiness over my little boy that it's completely overshadowed. I am truly not disappointed at all that we're having a boy. I'm overjoyed. I love this little being inside of me and that's who he is, a boy. It was pure magic to find out another piece of the puzzle. He's his own person and gender is a small but important sliver.  The goal of unprotected sex (hilarious) was to have a child. Any kind of child. Just not a serial-killery child. As it became blaringly obvious that the whole sex thing was not going to pan out, the urgency to have a baby, any baby, like potentially a stranger's baby on the street, just kept getting stronger. I'm thrilled that it's a baby. I'm thrilled that it's my baby and that we successfully made a baby with genitalia. Go us! I'm a little afraid of baby penises and getting peed on. J came to me fully potty trained. I'm a little afraid that he'll be drawn to guns and general warfare. I don't know from boys. I'm from a family of girls. This is going to be an adventure. I'm married to a boy so we'll figure it out. Now, I just can't wait to meet our little guy. I insist that he keep cooking for 22-24 more weeks. In the meantime, I know a little bit more about who I'm talking to and talking about. My boy. I'm super in love. 

11 comments:

  1. Congrats on your boy! That's so exciting!

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  2. How exciting!! Congrats!!!

    I'm the same way. I come from all girls (except a brother 10 years older that I barely knew my whole life). I SOOOO want a girl but having a boy will be A-OK with me, too. : )

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  3. Great post. Mostly because I have this fear that if it's a boy, I'll be sorely disappointed, because I've always wanted a girl first and that's what I'm convinced it is. Then I see these fertiles popping out boy after boy after boy and complaining about it, and I get all bitter because, gee, to have problems like that! I never knew how'd I react to the news. But now I'm thinking I'll have a similar reaction to you - the joy of the PERSON would so overshadow the gender. It's not just a boy - it's YOUR SON. That is amazing.

    Happy for you!!

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    1. Thanks, love! I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have occasional gender jealousy BUT I wouldn't want anyone but the person growing inside of me this very moment. I think our society makes way too much out of gender roles, making it harder for some mamas to celebrate their baby, not some gender jackpot.
      I don't know if I'd feel different if I'd gotten knocked up the old fashioned way after a single try or two, but I think that the experience of infertility/IVF/miscarriage makes you so much more grateful and excited for the peanut you've worked so hard for, regardless of gender.

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  4. Congrats on your baby boy! How exciting!

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  5. Amy I'm so very happy for you! This post brought me tears of joy! Not only does your boy have such amazing and loving parents waiting for him, but he also has a life-long best friend lined up! :) love xo

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    1. Thank you! A best friend lined up and so many incredible aunties :)

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  6. yayyyy!!! congratulations!!! I totally want a boy, but (like everyone) I would be overjoyed with either sex. So happy for you :)

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  7. awww yay! i little boy in there! i always thought i wanted boys. all boys. boys boys boys. then over the last few years, that changed and i thought i wanted girls. just girls. since becoming pregnant, i want them all. bring me boys and girls or boys or girls. and i think it's because, you're right. it's a person. it's your person. the sex is just such a small detail. you were introduced to your person and he's a small boy person and that is the greatest thing in the world.

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