How many times can one cry miscarriage until people start to roll their eyes and shrug? Well, I'm going to find out. The ultrasound this morning went really shitty. The upside: there was a heartbeat. The doctor saw it, we didn't. Ultrasounds look like Rorschach tests. The downside: the embryo is measuring at 5 weeks 5 days instead of 6 weeks 3 days, my actual pregnancy stage.
First the resident was fumbling around down there, enjoying what appeared to be his second trip to a woman's vagina (last week was his first). The doc identified a faint heartbeat and then took over the wand. Then it got really quiet and serious. He took a measurement. More quiet, more serious. Then he turned the lights on and broke it down. "I am concerned. Based on the measurements, this is very likely not a viable pregnancy. I suspect you will miscarry." Something very close to that. This kid is measuring a full 5 days behind and apparently that is far from okay. It didn't occur to me to worry about the size. All I wanted was a heartbeat.
As advised, we made another appointment for a week from today and then walked back to the car. I texted everyone who needed to know and then I cried and cried. J is staying positive. He says he's convinced that "Lucky" is a fighter and is going to hang in there. I don't know. How many bad signs (low beta, epic bleeding, slow embryonic development) can I get before reality sinks in? Hopeful was last week. This week...I don't know. I'm only a few hours in. Somehow I don't see this week as the week of rainbows and glitter. I think this will be my week of getting by.
Friday I get to visit my client who has NINE children. So that should be fun.
After all the "trying" and failing, the multiple IUIs and one IVF, this is the first time I've been really angry. I'm pissed. Pissed in a grand scheme of things, universal kind of way. Millions of people have sex, get pregnant and deliver healthy babies every day. I want that. It's not fair. It's an immature way to put it but that's my all-consuming feeling right now. I just want what most people get without trying.