Tuesday, April 2, 2013

This is very much like breaking my foot.

I have this feeling similar to when I broke my foot as a teenager. Let me explain. When I was 15, I broke my foot during a dance rehearsal. For months after that, I would watch people leap and jump and was shocked every time they landed safely. If my foot couldn't sustain an impact, how could theirs? Jumping rope looked like a suicidal act. And then eventually, that feeling disappeared. I healed, I walked, I jumped, ran and danced and nothing else happened. My foot has remained unbroken for the ensuing 15 years.
I have to say, this admittedly very fresh experience has made me view pregnancy in the same light. "Excuse me pregnant woman, how did you make that fetus stay in your uterus? Tips? Pointers?" And to the woman pushing a stroller down the street, "I assume you grew that person inside of you for 9 months without it falling out. Exactly how did you manage?" It just seems absolutely impossible. I jumped, I broke my foot. I got pregnant, I lost it immediately.
I know that the vast majority of chemical pregnancies/early miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities, same as regular later first trimester miscarriages. I really do intellectually understand and accept that. The annoying side of my brain (There's a logical, intellectual side and an annoying side. I googled it.) thinks I should have taken Chinese herbs last week and probably shouldn't use so much Splenda. Again, I get it. It wasn't the Splenda or the gluten. It was the chromosomes, the science, the fact that this bundle of cells wasn't the gestating type.
Honestly, really honestly, that's okay. I'm alright. I am sad. Absolutely sad about how this little hint of joy and excitement turned out. But this is not the same as a miscarriage in the 8th or 10th week or, God forbid, later. I never connected the positive pregnancy test to a person. Instead, I became very enamored of the possibilities. For two days I had a due date. December 8th. A baby before Christmas. Amazing. Even more amazing, this could all be over. The constant ultrasounds and wands up in my piece, belly injections, intimate suppositories, nearly done! So that is why I'm sad. I'm sad to let go of this little glimmer of hope but anxious to move on. I am alright. A little foggy and dazed, not terribly productive and more prone to curling up on the couch. I'm in the process of mending.
HCG beta #3 tomorrow. If it raises above 50, I go in for a 4th beta. I'm still on progesterone, waiting for the clinic to officially call it.

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